Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Felony Sentences

Everyone has their own rules for writing effectively, so quality is sometimes just a matter of opinion.

But occasionally you’ll run across a sentence that virtually any writer would agree is just awkward and unwieldy.

I offer you six sentences in desperate need of help.

(Note: I disguised some of these examples because I see no point in needlessly embarrassing anyone.)

“Branded advertising is a differentiated advertising that’s more robust because it leverages the power of the brand.”

First, this sentence is a bit too circular for me. In its effort to define something (“branded advertising”), it uses both “advertising” and “brand” as part of the definition itself.

This would be like saying “Bricked construction is differentiated construction because it leverages the power of bricks.”

But where this sentence really needs help is in casting away that cumbersome “differentiated,” which gets in the way of making a really powerful statement.

“Differentiated” is an adjective derived from the past tense of a verb, which is in turn a derivative of the adjective “different.” Why torture the language? Just use “different” or perhaps a synonym that’s more vivid.

You see, differentiating – distinguishing one thing from another – is something people do, but in this context it’s unclear who’s doing it. While the sentence itself is not really written in passive voice, this one word makes the whole sentence only just barely active.

“Results can be elicited by a growing array of media, messages and tactics.”

“Can be elicited by”? Gosh, let’s not go out on a limb or anything!

I can’t say much about this sentence except that it’s so darned passive it probably got beat up by old ladies for its lunch money when it was in school.

Even when you’re writing about the most abstract of concepts, there’s almost always a way to work some action in. Even without the cumbersome “can be” structure, “elicit” is one of those verbs you just want to avoid.

“The “A” Team means you get experts with knowledge and issues facing area business.”

While hiring a “team” may “mean” you get something, the team itself does not mean anything. I’m not sure there’s an easy fix here, but something like “Call on the “A” Team to give you...” would be a decent intermediate fix.

And look at the end of the sentence. Take the words “knowledge and” out and you’ve got a team “with issues.” I don’t know about you, but I really don’t want a team that needs to go to a shrink to work through its “issues.”

The writer probably meant “knowledge of issues,” which would be a lot clearer and more on point.

“Your perspective largely depends on your position at a given place and time.”

There’s nothing wrong with the syntax here. The voice is fine. The style is okay.

The problem with this sentence is that it doesn’t say a damned thing. Why waste 13 words telling me that my perspective on something depends on how I see it?

I picked up on that idea pretty early in life, and I doubt I’m alone.

“We are able to offer this program to you because we have many programs that Wells Fargo, whom we are not affiliated with or authorized by, may not have access to in their current mortgage portfolio.”

I think it’s pretty clear that the “whom we are not affiliated with or authorized by” phrase was inserted by a lawyer – at least I hope so – and probably with good reason. But it’s almost always possible to footnote this kind of disclaimer. It sure doesn’t hurt to ask.

But beyond that, I’m being told that this company has programs my bank “may not have access to in their current mortgage portfolio.”

Why not just say “may not offer” and leave it at that? Or is this tortured construction supposed to impress me?

“Our dedication to providing solid, reliable and powerful storage management products to our users is our reason for being. In order to meet that promise, there are many challenges. But we believe that challenge breeds opportunity; and opportunity opens the door for the truly best of breed to seize the moment and walk through. Our team meets these challenges, seizes those opportunities and walks through that door each and every day. As a result, our team is truly one of the best of breed in the entire industry.”

Okay, this isn’t one sentence. It’s five sentences, but it’s still a muddled tangle of clutter.

Putting one metaphorical idea into a passage is fine, but two competing metaphors just confuses everyone.

In this brief passage we have one reference to a door opening and two references to walking through it

But wait! There’s more! We’re told that one concept “breeds” another and are offered two suggestions that the company is “best of breed.”

Can just 88 words handle six reference to two metaphors? That’s roughly one tired cliché for every 15 words.

To use my own metaphor, this passage is a “tear down.” Get rid of it, haul it away, pour a new foundation, and build something that really improves the neighborhood.

Posted by Richard Bloch

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